Part II

Work in Progress (Part I)

Bare Bones

The bare bones of the earth are exposed when it gets cold.
The trees look like skeletons and the bushes deformed corpses.

With the winter comes the necessity for the basics.
The need for warmth.
By the fire, by the comfort of a loved one
The need for shelter.
To brave the chill, to take cover from the harshness of the season
The need.

When the first frost dusts the ground,
When the last leaf falls from the last tree's arm,
The earth sleeps more soundly.
There is a calm in the air.
With the season comes an all-around understanding that the world is brutal.

The bare bones brave the winter - without the leaves, the insects, the buzzing of other beings to keep them company.
They are stripped down to the very core.
To the heart.

Our needs are stripped down to the bare bones when it gets cold.

Sculpting Castles; Burning Down Kingdoms

Constructing intricate imaginings founded on whispers and insecurity
No basis.

Elaborate castles with hidden doors and secret pathways
Nothing - as it seems.

Entirely complete ideas are just that
Ideas.

Proven wrong; proven incorrect; burn them down.

People are overwrought with finding purpose.
A reason to live.
A reason that sets them apart.

They want to believe they were meant
fOr something.
Intended to fulfill some destiny.

The fact of it is
We are here.

Refuse to waste away.

Love Affair with the Moon

Late at night, when the moon is at its highest,

When I am at my highest,

I confess my secrets.
I say what I do not say.
I acknowledge what I can not
in the brightness of day.

The night is honest.

The night keeps me honest.

The loneliness it can bring is welcomed.
It is a stark reminder that, in the end,
all we have is ourselves.

One self.

How we choose to live
Who we chose to spend life alongside
comes down entirely to that self.

So I will choose to have a love affair with the moon.

A Crisp November

A crisp November chill can cure a multitude of ailments.
The whistling waves of air wash through to the core -
Wash over the skin -
Dance away.

The gusts take a multitude of worries away with them.
They wrap around the mind and renew -
Erase the problems -

No longer numb.
Fully aware.

Flowers and Stardust Wrapped in Fairy Wings

I'm rolling up flowers and stardust into fairy wings. So fragile, so delicate - I can taste the strawberry flavor on my lips. It burns. The nicotine intoxicates as I manipulate the leaf this way and that with my tongue. 

I light it up and it burns like a dream. The remnants rise up toward the heavens; the flowers dance in my lungs. I expel the demons. I expel my demons.

The flavor - so sweet; the effect - so rich; I can only finish half.

I woke up for the first time today.
The heat of summer and the intensity it brought - subsided.
The cloud of heavy sadness - finally shed its layers.
The weight - lifted.

The wind was blowing hard today.
The brisk air renewed me.
When I stand against the wind I know my strength.

Cloudy Day

Patterns & Pathways

People These Days

People don't see the world around them anymore.  With their noses in their phones, people can no longer just be. Can no longer be alone with their own thoughts.

With their physical bodies present in reality, their minds are buzzing around cyberspace.

Our minds need constant entertainment. Constant stimulation.

The days of people taking solace in walks, in hikes, in sitting alone and taking in the air, the environment, life - gone.

People these days would rather look at life through a phone, a camera, through lenses.
Lenses that distort.

One and Only

On the precipice

In the waiting line

So far and so close are irrelevant

Are infinite, everlasting, always happening.

I wait, I begin

In waiting it starts

It begins in knowing there's

No turning back

The realization takes root in the mind.

The root grows & settles in the

Soul.

The heart takes

Time to rationalize that

Love

Does not conquer all

Love does not always know best.

I am one only. I am my one

And only.

In the process of your own ruin,

You took me down.

You threw my world into chaos

By keeping me on the hook.

You shattered my heart,

But my soul is not something you took.

Indecision & Regret

I have difficulty making steadfast decisions.
I have trouble seeing things in black and white.
I have a hard time choosing at forks in the road;
I can't turn my head off at night.

Life is the consequences from the decisions we make.
Nothing can be undone.
Thus, regret.

I worry that I may choose wrong.
I worry that I've picked the worst path.
I worry that ten years from now, I will look back and wish I had taken the other road.

The prospect of regret is ever-looming.
The indecision is all-consuming.

Someone Else's Prayer

Yesterday I sat on the edge of a waterfall.
The water was so clear I could see down to the rocks, to the dirt, to the bottom.
And I could see a strand of beads.
Upon retrieving them, I washed the grime away, and the little roses revealed themselves,
and I realized it.
This was a rosary.
This was someone's rosary.
This was someone's wish.
Someone's prayer.
Someone's hope.

I had wanted to keep the beads and repurpose them, but it felt wrong.
It was wrong.
I was an intruder.
So I cast them back into the pool of icy water - with a prayer:
A prayer for the person who first threw the rosary.
Hoping I could re-awaken some hope.
Hoping their prayer was answered. If not,
Hoping this could lead to a second chance.

In Waiting It Starts

On the precipice

In the waiting line

So far and so close are irrelevant

Are infinite, everlasting, always happening

(Or Lust)

I said "I love you" for the first time on a day like this.
The brisk air enveloped me;
I was drunk on moonbeams.
(Or lust)

The trees weren't sure whether to change or not.
The cool nights had only just begun.
In just one more month, they'd be shedding their outer layers.
The shield their leaves form - gone.
Leaving them exposed.

I flippantly gave my heart away on a night like this.
I forgot that the walls that had taken years to form
Had cracks in their foundations.
Love (or lust) had worked their way in through them.
It only took a few months for the walls to crumble.

A year later on a day like this
I am in the process of rebuilding those walls.
The foundations are stronger this time.
I forevermore cautious of intoxication (or lust).

I've taken to looking at the stars lately. 

They remind me Earth is round.

I am small.

There's more to life than me and you.

This existence is minuscule;

We don't really matter at all.

The Cicada Soundtrack - Marlboro Red 100's

Nostalgia for the Past Consumes

Exhale

Trust No One but Time

Time will never stand still

Though once it seemed it could

Inside your arms.

Love seemed real.

Nothing impossible.

Lies my body felt 

Tricks my mind perceived

It was all an illusion

I was so willing to believe.

The truth, uncovered

The rose-colored glasses, off

Reality, hits

I now know that the Earth

Won't stop for love

That time waits for no one

The only thing you can trust is this.

The Cicada Soundtrack

Cicadas are the soundtrack of this
Sad summer.
Buzzing with confusion,
Shaking with fear of the unknown,
Broken thoughts expressed in a hiss.

Countless lonely souls
Searching to be found

A cacophony, a symphony
One cohesive voice, billions making sound.

Back and Forth

Back and forth
Back and forth

Unable to decide.
I'm needing you.
I'm missing you.
I'm petrified.

Back and forth.
Back and forth.

Wishing you'd come.
Wishing you'd try.
Sick of all the times you've made me cry.

Back and forth.
Back and forth

Will it last forever?

Bold and Meek

I was young and thought myself immortal.
Now I know I'm not.

I was young and thought myself impervious.
Now I know I'm not.

I was young and thought myself unbreakable.
Unshakable.

Now I am old.
But not that old.

Shaken.
But not too stirred.

Broken
But not unfixably so.

I will learn from experience.
I will continue to grow.

On Soulmates

I've never been an outward romantic, but the idea of a soulmate has comforted me since before I even liked boys. The idea that somewhere, out THERE, in the big, wide world, my perfect mate waited for me. The idea of someone else being your other half. The idea that another person could complete you The idea that being with this person can make you feel whole. The idea.

Having felt this, how can you go on and look for it in another person? I felt that my first love was my soulmate. I felt that we had met before; long before either of us had existed by our names today. I recognized him when we first met. I was comfortable in his arms. I was home.

Can this feeling be one-sided? It must have been. My arms were not enough for him. He found solace in others' beds. For me, there was solace in my ignorance. Discovery of the truth shattered that. Will I ever find solace again?

I am doubtful. I have no hope left. I am hurt and yearning for what I once had. I am yearning for him with every piece of me. And I hate myself for it.

The idea that your soulmate would never hurt you. The idea that your soulmate will know exactly what to do to keep you happy. Because they want to. And you will do the same. Because you want to. The idea.

Don't Worry About It

Don't worry about it
You tell me.

It's no longer my place.
We are
No longer.
Don't worry about it.

I am constantly worrying.
About you.
Are you okay?
Are you taking care of yourself, your responsibilities?
Are you turning down a dark path?
Are you changing?
Are you becoming the evil version of yourself you entertained in that video game before you left?

I am constantly worrying.
About us.
About what we used to be.
Was it real?
About what we could have been.
Is ignorance bliss?
About what we will be.
Still clinging to a hope.
About what we are.
Don't worry about it.

You told me I was your best friend.
You were mine.
You told me you never wanted to lose that.
Now, crying out every inch of happiness left inside of me,
More than ever,
I wish I could talk to my best friend.
Don't worry about it.

You told me you would try.
And I worried you would resent me for it.
I worried you would leave me.
I worried I wasn't enough.
Don't worry about it.

I wasn't enough.
I'm not enough.
I'm half a person
Questioning
Everything
And realizing
No will to live without you.
But don't worry about it.

I'm stuck in my head and you will
Never pull me out.

Don't worry about it.

Wise Words From a Friend

One does not stay in love with love
After one experiences heartbreak.

Each Night

I'm hurting
I'm yearning
I'm waiting for
Your touch

I'm missing
I'm sickened.

Forget implausible
But I understand I must.

Twisted and confused
About the decisions you made
About the deceptions I'll never fully understand

Acceptance is the way out
They say
Accepting that life without you
Is better

Deceptions I'll tell myself to go to sleep at night;
When the tears fall like snowflakes
Quietly and sporadic
Graceful almost;
Heartbreaking absolutely.

Why?

I'm drunk and on fire,
Missing you.

I wish I remembered
Why.

The embers in my chest
Remind me
You're worth it.

Distortions and Deceptions

And in the end
I'll see your face
In my mind's eye
Magnified and multiplied
Through a kaleidoscope

Flaws and failures
Exposed
Shortcomings
Realized

Still perfect.

I'm going with the ebb and flow
And wait to be swept away

He broke her heart
With reckless abandon
And not even a shadow of regret

He never promised her forever

There are Parts of Me

There are parts of Me that don't understand life;
There are parts of Me that question everything.

Yet there is another part that will yield.
Another part of Me that will accept what is and give up -
A part of Me contented to mechanically accept the things I am unable to change.

I am a great decision maker.
I hate to make decisions.

One part of Me strives to fight for what I believe in.
One part of Me is devoid of feeling.

All of me is broken.

Dreams & Illusions, Tricks & Truth

I dreamt last night that it was all a dream
These last three days never happened
Our life was still in tact
We were still happy
We were still in love
Was it an illusion? Or is this hell I'm living the illusion?
Waking up without you is almost as bad as falling asleep without you.


Reality hits me as I wake.
I turn it off. I play it cool.

Orchestras in My Head

Symphonies are playing in my mind
Songs of the past speaking to my heart
Anticipations of the future, buzzing in my toes
Realization of reality, churning in my stomach

The River

The River has taught me that everything is temporary
The River has taught me that we are in a constant state of change

Mind Over Matter

Confusion is a state of mind
And emotions are figments of the imagination

Love and live
Live and love
One letter a part
But in the end it comes down to the heart